One Tight Slap: Turbanator turns Tur-banned

The IPL tournament took an ugly turn over the weekend and it wasn't caused by Warne or Murali bowling into the footmarks. Herebugging Singh, the Indian off-spinner and stand-in captain of the Mumbai Undones took matters into his own hands over the weekend when he slapped opponent Silly Santh from Kink's XI Punjab. Santh, the Indian tear away fastbowler was unable to keep the tears away.

"I was trying to make an impression," commented Singh, "but wasn't able to on the field, so thought I should use Silly's cheek instead. Unlike his name, he is no saint, let me tell you."

Despite putting forth the watertight defence that Santh did not offer the other cheek, Singh was banned for 11 IPL games by Faroff Engineer, the former Indian wicketkeeper and IPL match referee.

Much discussion was had within the BCCI-IPL ranks regarding the legal principle of double jeopardy -- that it is very dangerous to make the same mistake twice -- so no stories were concocted regarding Singh's conduct being defensible because the slap was in Hindi and not 'stralian.

On the other hand, analysts believe that the slap was stagemanaged by Silly Santh for an upcoming brand endorsement for the latest brand of tear-resistant onions.

The Royally Challenged On the Rocks

The IPL extravaganza got off to a rousing start in Bengaluru yesterday for everyone but the hosts - The Bengaluru Royally Challenged. The home side - stacked with aging test stars and unknown internationals - was a royal flop, losing the inaugural IPL T20 match by 140 runs in a pathetic display in all facets of their cricket.

"During the player auction, we consulted soothsayers and prepared magic potions and then picked players in the Test mould and other international unknowns that no one else wanted to touch. We believed they would be the surprise package. They were...but, apparently, only to us," said Rahool Druid the captain of the Royally Challenged.

"My squad was smartly turned out in red clothing, red gloves, red pads, red caps and red helmets", commented Veejay Malayalam, the owner of the franchise, "the least I could do in solidarity was to be red-faced. With my recent acquisition of Force India F-1 I am getting used to having the worst team in the competition, anyway. More importantly, my first name Veejay means victory and my surname Malayalam is a palindrome where first is last and last is first, so I've made sure I win either way!" What a cunning plan!

With 6 more IPL games to go in Bangalore, the Royally Challenged's next challenge is to convince the public to go and watch at least one more match. Sources reveal that the proposed strategy involves free alcohol outside the stadium to get people in and one-way doors in the stadium to keep them there. Others suggest that a spectator auction is on the anvil."

Scania Marza is India's new Davis Cup captain

In news hot off the press, Scania Marza has been named the new Indian Davis Cup captain for all home games.

The AITA chief, briefing journalists on the development said, "It was the majority opinion of the boys that they wanted a non-playing captain. Scania is one of the country's most accomplished tennis players and, given that she has expressed her intention of not playing in India, we couldn't come up with a better choice for "non-playing" captain for all our home games. At the AITA, we are known for quick and best decisions. The team has been mired in controversy for too long and we think this step will clear up everything."

Meanwhile, event organisers were seen doing a clear up job of their own -- removing all the little Indian flags from the centre court's perimeter.

T20 craze hits Indian cricketers

The IPL T20 league has redefined the economics of cricket but seems to have also led to some confusion in the ranks of the Indian cricket team.

In the first innings of the second Test match against South Africa in the ongoing 3-Test series, T20 World Champions India were bowled out for 76 in exactly 20 overs.

Responding to confused journalists, triple centurion from the first Test Veerunder Sowag explained, "Well, you know, I mean, the boys were shooting the IPL ads for many days before and after, I mean, and between the Tests matches and when the boys were told 'go and bat for a score' we all got a little confused but we did, at least, follow instructions to the T."

"T20 is the shifting paradigm of cricket," lamented Indian Test captain Anull Krumble, "but unfortunately our Test team seems to have got caught in the paradigm shift."

Indian hockey team to boycott Beijing Olympics

Indian Hockey Federation chief and acclaimed human rights activist KPS Grill has joined the maelstrom of international leaders condemning human rights abuses in China and has decided that the Indian men's hockey team will boycott the Beijing Olympic Games. Speaking to reporters, Grill said, "It is only fitting that the Olympic qualifiers were held in Chile where my old friend Pinochet had conducted business." He went on to lament, "Given that our hockey team's recent record is as good as China's human rights record, maybe we should have boycotted the Olympics qualifiers too."

In other news, the Indian men's hockey team failed to qualify for the Beijing Olympics.

In still more news, there are murmurs that, in solidarity to the national hockey team's human rights stance, India's other athletes may take the very drastic step of boycotting the medal ceremonies at the Beijing Olympics altogether.

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